


Wounded

by celeste9



Category: Jurassic Park (Movies), Jurassic Park III (2001)
Genre: Camping, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-20
Updated: 2015-07-20
Packaged: 2018-04-10 07:35:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4383008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celeste9/pseuds/celeste9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In hindsight, camping might have been a poor choice for a vacation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wounded

**Author's Note:**

> Written for smallfandomfest for the prompt: Alan/Billy, in a tent. Also fills 'restrained' on my hc_bingo card (in the emotional rather than physical sense). Thanks to clea2011 for looking it over.

In hindsight, camping might have been a poor choice for a vacation.

In his defense, Alan wasn’t good at this. He had never pretended to be. He had just thought... He had thought it would be good for Billy to get away for a while. Good for both of them. They were still figuring out how to do this, how to be together, and Alan had thought some time alone, away from the pressures of their work and from their friends and colleagues, could only help.

Mostly, though, he had thought it would help Billy. It had been months since Isla Sorna, long enough for Billy’s physical injuries to heal, leaving behind nothing but some scars that even now were fading beneath the tan of his skin. Harder to shake were the wounds you couldn’t see.

They slept in the same bed often enough for Alan to know that Billy rarely slept the night through. He jumped at loud noises and he didn’t smile the way he used to, like the world was something remarkable and meant to be enjoyed. Like the boy who wanted to be an astronaut, not an astronomer.

That was what the trip was for. What Alan perhaps should have realized was that camping would prove to be a bit too similar to Isla Sorna for Billy’s mental state, but Billy was too stubborn to admit it.

Like he said. He wasn’t good at this.

“I guess sleeping in a tent isn’t really much of a vacation,” Alan had tried joking the first night. Not that he’d ever been good at jokes.

Billy’s smile had been small and nothing more than a token, as though he were saying, _thanks for trying._

There had been little improvement since.

They were walking along the side of a river when Alan noticed the shadow on the rocks, the unmistakable shape of a bird of prey. Judging by the way he flinched, Billy had noticed it, too. Alan almost subconsciously put himself between Billy and the bird, shading his eyes as he looked up.

It was an eagle, going by the size. Hunting, most likely, and when he looked - Yes. There was its partner.

Alan knew when Billy spotted them because he flinched, accompanied by a sharp intake of breath.

“Billy,” Alan said, starting to reach out to him only to abort the movement for fear he would seem too mothering, too pressuring.

“Don’t,” Billy said, shying away. His eyes were glued to the eagles as they circled above, calling to each other. 

Billy’s sway was so sudden that Alan almost wasn’t quick enough to catch him. “Billy!”

Sagging in Alan’s grasp, Billy’s breathing quickened. He was pale and sweating and looked as though he might collapse at any moment.

The eagles had flown off but Alan was too preoccupied to notice. “It’s okay, you’re okay,” he said, even though he wasn’t sure that was true, even though he thought he must sound like a patronizing ass. He just didn’t know what else to do.

“Yeah,” Billy was saying, “yeah, I’m fine. I’m fine, Alan, just...” He straightened and pushed Alan away, taking a few uneven steps before he stopped and bent over, hands on his knees and head hanging down.

Alan stood behind him, hovering, wanting to rub Billy’s back but afraid to touch. Before he could figure out what to do, Billy saved him from having to decide.

“Let’s go back to the tent,” he muttered, turning around without even letting Alan reply.

“Okay,” Alan said after a few seconds, following helplessly.

They walked in silence, their pace swifter than before. Alan kept his eyes on the back of Billy’s head, the beauty of their surroundings lost on him for the time being. Birdsong filled his ears, but the call of the eagles remained absent.

Back in the tent, Billy sat down on the ground, on top of the blankets where they had slept the night before, taking sips from his water bottle. He didn’t look quite so pallid anymore and when he spoke there was a ruefulness in his tone. “Well, that was ridiculous. Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize.”

“I nearly had a panic attack over some birds. I think I do.”

“Not after--” Alan stopped.

Billy met Alan’s gaze more squarely than Alan himself found comfortable. “You don’t have to keep walking on eggshells around me. All appearance to the contrary, I’m not actually gonna break.”

“I know.” If Alan had learned anything from Isla Sorna it was that Billy was a lot stronger than Alan had ever given him credit for.

Sighing softly, Billy said, “It was in the newspapers before we left.”

“What was?”

“Do you even read your newspaper, Alan?”

“I do the crossword sometimes.”

Billy let out a small breath that might have been an exasperated laugh, though his next words were anything but humorous. “Rumored pterosaur sighting in the U.S.”

Oh. _Oh._ “Rumors don’t mean anything.”

“Come on, you know as well as I do that it was only a matter of time.”

Alan didn’t know what to say. What could he say? Billy had survived a nightmare, worse than anything Alan had suffered, even considering both ill-fated trips. By all rights he should be dead, and sometimes Alan had to stop and breathe for a second, thanking whoever cared that Billy was still alive.

And now those things were here.

What did you say to a person who had survived hell only to find out that the demons had followed him? Billy wouldn’t want pity, and Alan didn’t know how to offer comfort in a way that Billy might accept.

Ellie would have known what to do. Ellie always knew what to do. The problem was that Ellie wasn’t here and, as she so often reminded him, it wasn’t her job to coach Alan on how to navigate his own relationship.

Maybe he could… But the words wouldn’t even come to his mind, let alone his tongue. Alan stood there helplessly, looking down at Billy, and all he could think of was Billy in the water, the pteranodon attacking him. Billy shouting, still trying to save Alan even as he himself was swept away. He remembered grabbing Billy’s leg as he jumped off the bridge, feeling the cloth of his pants slip through his fingers, too slow, too late. It lived in Alan’s nightmares still, and sometimes when he woke he had to touch Billy’s cheek just to reassure himself Billy was really there.

“Alan,” Billy was saying, his hands on Alan’s shoulders.

Alan shook himself, coming back to the present. He couldn’t even recall Billy getting to his feet and yet they were standing face-to-face, Billy’s eyes filled with concern.

Okay, so maybe Billy wasn’t the only one who was still having a hard time forgetting Isla Sorna.

“I’m supposed to be the one comforting you,” Alan said, trying for wry.

“Well, we both know you’re terrible at that.” Billy’s smile wasn’t as wide as it used to be but it was real all the same.

“As terrible as I am at vacations, apparently.”

“It’s the thought that counts, right?” Billy leaned in to press a kiss to Alan’s cheek, just off the corner of his mouth. “I get what you were trying to do,” he said, voice softer, still leaning in. “I know I haven’t been… It hasn’t been easy, being with me, since, well. Since.”

Alan wanted to interrupt, wanted to stop Billy from trying to apologize for himself because - because, _no._ But Billy just kept talking.

“I’m trying,” he was saying. “I’m going to keep trying, and you can… I would understand, if you wanted to end it. No hard feelings. I… Maybe that would be better? Maybe I should leave, I don’t know, I just. Shit.” Billy ran his hands through his hair, his frustration with himself all too evident.

The sort of man Alan wished he was, the sort of partner he wished he was, would have told Billy to do whatever he needed to do, regardless of what that was. He would have told Billy to go if that was what he wanted, if he needed to find himself again. Alan wasn’t that sort of man, though. He was only the sort of man who didn’t think he could stand to lose Billy after thinking he might never have him at all. He was only the sort of man who could think, _no, don’t leave me, don’t leave me. Not again._

“Don’t,” Alan said, finally finding the words. “Don’t go.”

Of course, then he nearly ruined it. “We need you. Er, on the dig.”

Billy stared at him. “On the dig?” he repeated. “I can be replaced.”

Except that _no one_ could replace Billy, and this wasn’t about the dig, or about the work at all. _Damn it, grow a pair, Alan,_ Ellie’s voice said in his head.

“I need you,” Alan managed to say, almost stumbling over the words. “Please.” He dug his nails into his palm, wanting to look anywhere but at Billy but forcing himself to make eye contact anyway.

This time Billy’s smile was as wide as it had ever been. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

Alan knew he probably looked as confused as he felt. “What?”

“Doctor Alan Grant, admitting his feelings. Who would’ve thought I’d see the day?”

“Billy,” Alan said, narrowing his eyes.

Billy laughed, and it was almost like before. Billy, happy and teasing and flirting. “I think that makes this the best vacation I’ve ever been on.” More seriously, he went on, “I just… I didn’t want you to feel like I was holding you back.”

“From what? I’m not exactly the life of the party, here.”

“No,” Billy agreed. “I like you stodgy and boring.”

“Thanks,” Alan said, lips quirking.

“Anyway, I, uh, I guess that was my attempt at offering you a free pass so you can move on with your life, considering I’m not moving on so well with mine.”

Alan raised his hand to cup Billy’s cheek. “I think we just proved that I’m not over it, either. You weren’t the only one on that island.” He concentrated on the sensation of Billy’s skin beneath his palm to banish the images from his head. Billy, warm and solid and real, who maybe needed something Alan couldn’t give him. “But you should do what you need to, and not what I want you to do. Don’t worry about me.”

So maybe Alan could be that better man, after all, even if he wasn’t actually sure he was happy about that fact just now.

“You idiot,” Billy said, and wrapped his arms around Alan, directing his face into the crook between Alan’s neck and shoulder. “I was trying to be noble, but really all I wanted was for you to tell me you wanted me here.”

“Well,” Alan said, squeezing Billy close. “I guess that works out for both of us.”

**_End_ **


End file.
